Holiday Blues (or not)

I've had a love/hate relationship with Christmas for a while now (can you have a relationship with a holiday?). It sort of started when my daughter was small, & Christmas was really fun. Among my husband & myself, my parents, & several aunts & uncles, the living room looked like a small version of "Toys R Us." Back then, I had a lot of people to buy presents for, & although it seemed like a chore at the time to buy & wrap gifts for all of them, I kind of miss it now.

Since that time, I've had a lot of personal loss, a great deal of it just before or after the holidays. I usually more or less dread the season now, which is hard in our household because my daughter LOVES Christmas. Always has & always will, probably. Even though she doesn't get the huge volume of presents she was used to getting in the past, the season really means what it should to her, which is giving - not only gifts but goodwill & affection. And for some reason, this year things have been a little better for me & I really don't know why. I've never outwardly had a "bah humbug" attitude, but then I've never been one to show my sorrow or unhappiness to the world. Everybody thinks that everything is always perfectly fine with me, regardless of how I really feel. And I guess that's ok; why should you bring down everybody else around you just because you're upset or unhappy or grieving? Being repressed does have its upside, I suppose.

Now that I've thoroughly depressed everyone reading this (if anyone is actually reading it, I mean), maybe I should try to be a little more upbeat. As I said before, this year has not been such a downer for me, & I suspect that part of it is that my daughter's generally happier than she's been in a pretty long time. She's in a relationship that seems healthy, & she appears to know what she wants to do with her life long-term, without being in a panic to do everything right now. I guess I'm trying to say that when she's happy, I'm happy, or at least happier. She's basically my life, & that's not as sad as it sounds, because we've always had a wonderful relationship, & she's a warm, caring, intelligent & funny person. She's truly a gift from God & I'm grateful every day for her. Also, I'm not as behind on shopping as I usually am, so that's good. Maybe, too, I'm starting to accept my situation in life & not yearn as much for what I've lost or what could have been, & realize that there's very little I can actually do about it, so I guess that's progress of a sort. Anyway, I am a little bit in the Christmas spirit this year; it was actually I who suggested it was time to put up the tree in our house, & I even enjoyed decorating it. For me that's definitely a plus.

In case I don't write again before Christmas, I hope everyone has a lovely holiday season.